I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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