it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I can text with my tongue
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
i think my cat just said my name.
Randomize
