I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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