Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
