at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Randomize
