just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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