ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
