I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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