3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
My ass is underappreciated
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
