Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
