i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
