you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
