He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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