So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
