I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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