Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Your topless pictures make me question reality
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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