then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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