You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
