my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
