what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
