I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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