But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
sick fucks of a feather flock together
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
