Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
