Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
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