Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
