17 year olds will be the death of me.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
My ass is underappreciated
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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