I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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