You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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