Soap is not a condiment
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
