Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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