im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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