The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Randomize