i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
