i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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