He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
