Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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