Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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