Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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