just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize