Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
