I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
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