this beer tastes like vomit already
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
