We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
