When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
