Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
