I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
