mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
