the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
