I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
