about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
