i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
