my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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