I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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