We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
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