last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
