Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
