you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
