What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
