I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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