Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
