I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize