I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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