There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
It's rum buckets o'clock
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
